GOT A DRINKING PROBLEM?  THIS PAGE MIGHT HELP YOU OUT. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.  FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.  ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.  SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.  FAULT: Improper bladder control.  ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.  SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.  FAULT: Glass empty.  ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.  SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.  FAULT: You have fallen over backward.  ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.  SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.  FAULT: You have fallen forward.  ACTION: See above.  SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.  FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.  ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.  SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.  FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.  ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.  SYMPTOM: Floor moving.  FAULT: You are being carried out.  ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.  FAULT: Bar has closed.  ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.  SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.  FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.  ACTION: Cover mouth.