4.  A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow, she's gorgeous! And I think she's a flight attendant...but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Hmm, no, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again; "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies!"
This time the woman looked at him, irritated, and screamed "What the $%#! do you want?!"
The man slumped back in his chair, and said: "Ahh, Finnair..."

5.  A husband and wife were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and
takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in
the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag
and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you
treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of
butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the
point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the
wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in
the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

6.  A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How
bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next
week."
So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an
impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and
on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open
her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched
these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's
still in the CRATE!"

7.  A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife
was severely stung by a bee.
The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.
"Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee."
"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor.
"Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband.
"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"

8.An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."

9.  Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.
Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."
"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."
Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"
"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"
"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."
"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."
"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"
"Aye, Angus, then what?"
"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"
"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."
"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."
Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"

10.A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

11.  Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?"
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
"Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing."
He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

12.  A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!"
A few weeks pass uneventfully. One afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town! Run for your lives!"
When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.
He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer now!"
He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, nearly splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.
As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.
"Dang it, I don't have time!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town. Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin?"

13.  There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
"The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.
"And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

14.  A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The two men take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."

15.  A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

16.  Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his
voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards
his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you
like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

17.  A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them
are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private
lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're
gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd
hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits
the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes
back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait
for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches
her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club
way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's
penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing,
and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway..... about
15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're
supposed to!"

18.  God and Moses were out golfing...
...They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.
It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook.
Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it."
So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball, got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.
So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time."
So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball,
and came back. After that, everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway.
Then God took out his driver.
Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it."
And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it."
So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.
About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One of the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"
Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
     
19.  Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Thirty years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, and then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat...you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!

20.  A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
 "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
 The barman replied, "Yes."
 So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
 "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
 "How much money?" inquires the guy.
 "Four cents," he replies.
 "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
 "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
 The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
 The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

21.  A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
 Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.
 What's the problem?"
 "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
 "Gee, that's tough," he replied.
 "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
 "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
 "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
 "Three close family members lost in three months?
 How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

22.  Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
 The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

23.  A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
 He sat down next to a priest.
 The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
 He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
 "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
 "Imagine that", the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
 The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
 "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

24.  A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies.
 "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
 "Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"
 "Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."
 "Well, what did you say to your best friend?"
 "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

25.  There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
 Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
 "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

26.  A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
 Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
 The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
 The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
 Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
 The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

27.  A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.
 The first man then asks: Where are you from?
 I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.
 The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
 Of Course, replies the second man.
 Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?
 Dublin, comes the reply.
 I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.
 Of course, replies the second man.
 Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?
 Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.
 This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
 About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.
 Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

28.  A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.
 He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"
 The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..
 At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.
 "This is piss!" he yells.
 The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

29.  A nun in full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her square in the nose. Before she can scream, he lands a sloppy one-two and an uppercut. When she goes down, he starts kicking her with his scuffed business shoes. As a crowd gathers, the drunk stops, staggers back, and slurs, "You're not so tough, Batman!"

30.  A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
 Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
 "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
 Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

31.  Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.
They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."
So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"
The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

32.  Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly."
The second guy says "No Way!"
So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too."
All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says "Ok, I will be able to fly now."
All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly.
The third guy turns to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you drink."

33.  A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but decides against it.
On the next day, the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again, the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't.
The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it anymore. He says to the patron, "Hey, you know you've got a carrot in your ear?"
The patron says to the bartender, "I can't hear you! I've got a carrot in my ear."

34.  Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

35.  A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with
million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey,be careful when you drive.
If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair".
Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window
of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up
there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken
antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining
on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world" she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses.
What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest
of the afternoon.
Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled
over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.
"No shit! Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in
genies?

36.  There were three friends that always wanted to play golf
every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their
wives, so one day after many years they finally got
together on the golf course and were waiting at the first
tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond
necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a
new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I
didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!"
They both look at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up
 this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked,
"Golf course or Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater and
said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!

37.  A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
 "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
 He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
 "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
 The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
 "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
 "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
 "How did you know?"
 "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

38.  A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"
 The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"
 The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet."

39.  A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."
 Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
 The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
 The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

40.  A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
 The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
 "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
 The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
 "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
 "What's it telling you now?" she asked.
 "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
 The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
 The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

41.  A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
 Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
 "Yup, shore am!"
 "How much does he weigh now?"
 The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
 The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
 The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"